Hello everyone,
I know I haven’t posted here in a long time, and I apologise for that. I have finally began to feel like I am part of the “life” here, and I am more settled now than I was when I first arrived.
It’s so hard to describe to people what it is like to go through what we did. Arriving here after all the setbacks we faced made it feel like this huge temporary honeymoon period, almost like I was in some bubble that was going to burst
For a while I would have dreams at night that I had to leave again, or that Jon and I once again had to live apart from one another. I used to wake up in the night panicking, only to realise that I am here to stay. Coming to the realisation that this new situation you’re in is a permanent one takes some getting used to. Sometimes I take a step back and think, “Wow, I’m actually here to stay. I have a green card!” It can hit you at the most random times, like walking up the steps to the apartment complex with groceries, because “this is what you do now”.
Through everything I have faced, leaving my family and friends behind has been the hardest. Some days it’s easy just to pretend that that part of me doesn’t exist any more, just to cover the emotion that I feel. Other times I feel like a horrible person for not being more communicative. You wonder if your friendships will drift apart. What will it be like when you see one-another again? I worry about my mum and my nan. I worry about what will happen as they get older and I’m not there. I do try to keep in contact with people, but sometimes I don’t always have a lot to say. Life is just “life”. Sometimes I feel like my family expect me to constantly message them, keeping them up to date with my every waking moment, when in fact I have nothing to say. I then feel bad that I am being rude, but what more can I do?
I also worry about actually living here, and how that will affect my life. Health care here is still a massive headache, and we had to jump through all sorts of wacky hoops to get me adequate health insurance, not once, but three times! It’s a long story, but it really is more than I wanted to deal with.
I haven’t yet got my Maryland driving license. This again is a huge headache, and I have been putting it off, wanting to not have to deal with it, but Jon’s car insurance is up for renewal, and I now find myself in a situation where I have to go through the endless bureaucracy to get a Maryland license. I’m not looking forward to that one.
The weather here is significantly different compared to living in the south east UK. The temperatures in the winter so far have been ridiculously low, and we have had a lot more snow than I am accustomed to (which where I’m from was quite rare). Snow doesn’t hold very good memories for me, and I have no desire to ever see another snowflake ever again. Not to mention the up and down temperatures and air pressure here drives my sinuses crazy.
There are many occasions where I still feel like an outsider too. You wouldn’t believe it would be so difficult to get used to the dates here, but my brain still can’t decipher it most days. If I’m filling out a form, you can bet I’ll write it wrong and confuse the person I’m dealing with. Talking on the phone is a nightmare. Nobody can ever understand what I’m saying. You’d think I was speaking with a thick, rare dialect. I might have a British accent, but I don’t speak that differently, right?! Fahrenheit still baffles me. I don’t think I’ll ever be convert to that one. How freezing can be anything but zero is not even worth trying to understand. Gallons versus litres, same thing.
I know all these things may seem trivial, but when you’re having a bad day, and you’re not feeling your best, and you have to talk to someone on the phone at an insurance company who requires your birth date for the millionth time, you feel like you just want to strangle them. Having to repeat loudly several times your birthday, making sure you get it the “correct” way around and that they can hear you… Give me strength.
Then we come to today, when you find out one of your closest friends has a life threatening illness, and you can do nothing because you are so far away. I don’t think any amount of words in a text message can be of any comfort. I wish I could be there in person, even just to sit there and be there.
Weather, health, bureaucracy and family emotions aside, nearly every day I have moments where I realise that this is where I wanted to be. This is where Jon and I wanted to be. This is everything we fought hard for. Nothing can break our determination to be together, because no matter what, love always wins, and I absolutely believe that. When you’re sitting in your pyjamas watching some silly program on the TV together, you realise that this is your everything. This is what it was meant to be about.
Nearly nine years ago I made a decision to change my life after having a horrific year. I went to Canada to find myself, and in the process, I found Jon too. Nine year later we are married, living together and looking forward to our future together. Never give up hope that your dreams can come true too. As James Dean once said;
“Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.”
Dan.
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