A New Year, A New Dawn

Hello everyone,

I know I haven’t posted here in a long time, and I apologise for that. I have finally began to feel like I am part of the “life” here, and I am more settled now than I was when I first arrived.

It’s so hard to describe to people what it is like to go through what we did. Arriving here after all the setbacks we faced made it feel like this huge temporary honeymoon period, almost like I was in some bubble that was going to burst

For a while I would have dreams at night that I had to leave again, or that Jon and I once again had to live apart from one another. I used to wake up in the night panicking, only to realise that I am here to stay. Coming to the realisation that this new situation you’re in is a permanent one takes some getting used to. Sometimes I take a step back and think, “Wow, I’m actually here to stay. I have a green card!” It can hit you at the most random times, like walking up the steps to the apartment complex with groceries, because “this is what you do now”.

Through everything I have faced, leaving my family and friends behind has been the hardest. Some days it’s easy just to pretend that that part of me doesn’t exist any more, just to cover the emotion that I feel. Other times I feel like a horrible person for not being more communicative. You wonder if your friendships will drift apart. What will it be like when you see one-another again? I worry about my mum and my nan. I worry about what will happen as they get older and I’m not there. I do try to keep in contact with people, but sometimes I don’t always have a lot to say. Life is just “life”. Sometimes I feel like my family expect me to constantly message them, keeping them up to date with my every waking moment, when in fact I have nothing to say. I then feel bad that I am being rude, but what more can I do?

I also worry about actually living here, and how that will affect my life. Health care here is still a massive headache, and we had to jump through all sorts of wacky hoops to get me adequate health insurance, not once, but three times! It’s a long story, but it really is more than I wanted to deal with.

I haven’t yet got my Maryland driving license. This again is a huge headache, and I have been putting it off, wanting to not have to deal with it, but Jon’s car insurance is up for renewal, and I now find myself in a situation where I have to go through the endless bureaucracy to get a Maryland license. I’m not looking forward to that one.

The weather here is significantly different compared to living in the south east UK. The temperatures in the winter so far have been ridiculously low, and we have had a lot more snow than I am accustomed to (which where I’m from was quite rare). Snow doesn’t hold very good memories for me, and I have no desire to ever see another snowflake ever again. Not to mention the up and down temperatures and air pressure here drives my sinuses crazy.

There are many occasions where I still feel like an outsider too. You wouldn’t believe it would be so difficult to get used to the dates here, but my brain still can’t decipher it most days. If I’m filling out a form, you can bet I’ll write it wrong and confuse the person I’m dealing with. Talking on the phone is a nightmare. Nobody can ever understand what I’m saying. You’d think I was speaking with a thick, rare dialect. I might have a British accent, but I don’t speak that differently, right?! Fahrenheit still baffles me. I don’t think I’ll ever be convert to that one. How freezing can be anything but zero is not even worth trying to understand. Gallons versus litres, same thing.

I know all these things may seem trivial, but when you’re having a bad day, and you’re not feeling your best, and you have to talk to someone on the phone at an insurance company who requires your birth date for the millionth time, you feel like you just want to strangle them. Having to repeat loudly several times your birthday, making sure you get it the “correct” way around and that they can hear you… Give me strength.

Then we come to today, when you find out one of your closest friends has a life threatening illness, and you can do nothing because you are so far away. I don’t think any amount of words in a text message can be of any comfort. I wish I could be there in person, even just to sit there and be there.

Weather, health, bureaucracy and family emotions aside, nearly every day I have moments where I realise that this is where I wanted to be. This is where Jon and I wanted to be. This is everything we fought hard for. Nothing can break our determination to be together, because no matter what, love always wins, and I absolutely believe that. When you’re sitting in your pyjamas watching some silly program on the TV together, you realise that this is your everything. This is what it was meant to be about.

Nearly nine years ago I made a decision to change my life after having a horrific year. I went to Canada to find myself, and in the process, I found Jon too. Nine year later we are married, living together and looking forward to our future together. Never give up hope that your dreams can come true too. As James Dean once said;

“Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.”

Dan.

Love, Anger and Isolation

As you all know Jon and I have been going through the motions to finally be able settle together and start our lives. Jon is sponsoring me for an immigrant visa to be able to live in the United States alongside him. We want to have our own home and spend the rest of our lives together peacefully, as any married couple should be entitled to do.
Last week you may recall that I posted a blog entry when we received a notification from the immigration services explaining that our petition had been forwarded to yet another department for processing because of their huge backlog. At this point we have already waited six months since time of filing to even be acknowledged that we're still in the system, and that we haven't just been forgotten about in some filing cabinet somewhere. Six months of our lives wasted while the US government idly makes its way through rubber-stamping people's lives and whether they should be allowed to be together.
This form that we received last week informed us that we now have to wait a further sixty days while this next department gets its act together. Another two months of waiting added to the six we have already endured.

Almost daily Jon and I have friends ask us, "So when is Dan coming over?" Like it'll be in the next week or something. If only it were that simple. But honestly, why shouldn't it be?!
Why does it take eight months to look at our forms to say, "Yes you are approved to move onto the next stage?" Eight months of our married lives (so far) spent in separate countries, waiting day-in, day-out for that letter to arrive. Eight months of sore disappointment.

After these eight months are finally over, all we will get then is a letter to say we are approved for the next stage, where our case is then moved to the consulate, and we have to wait a further three months for them to get back to us. At this rate, we are looking at me moving over to the US in October or November. That'll be well over a year since we filed.

That isn't the end of it either. Even once our case is moved to the consulate (after the next sixty days, then the further three months have gone by), I then have to endure further insult with not just one, but two interviews. A medical interview and an immigration interview. I have to provide blood samples, and and police certificate to say I have no criminal convictions. And for this I have to pay hundreds of pounds. To be humiliated, prodded and poked.

Jon and I talk daily on Skype, and Jon has been able to make some visits over to the UK during this process, but to spend a couple of weeks here and there, in our first year of marriage is a tremendous weight to bare, and is very isolating. We both feel the need to talk on Skype daily, and actually feel like we are "together"; we miss great opportunities like this. We both sit at our desks in our respective homes for hours, wasting our lives in front of the computer, when we should be out together doing something, going places, or even just sitting at home having dinner together.

Two people should never have to go through what we're going through. As if it hasn't been hard enough fighting for equality and being a same sex married couple, and we still have to suffer even more pains to be together. There is no handbook for this situation. No amount of comforting or advice can ever prepare you for the mental, emotional challenges that being an international couple presents.

Love is one of the most powerful forces in the universe. It bounds us together and makes us stronger. Jon and I love each other and are determined not to let the daily grind get to us, but sometimes, when you've had a hard day at work, it's miserable outside, and all you want is a hug from your husband, it's the hardest thing in the world knowing that a piece of paper on a desk thousands of miles away has waited eight months to be looked at, and it's that which is the only thing standing in your way.

Dan.